“Ba’t di pa sabihin ang di mo maamin?”

12:25 a.m. and I’m crying while listening to Up Dharma Down. And you guessed it right, Tadhana.

I love Jay so much, but in my heart I know that I love ____ even more..

I can’t forget how he made me feel so alive, how he made me the happiest girl for once in my life. Is this what I call true love? Is it tragic for me that I cannot be with him? I am thankful for Jay to come into my life, even though all he brought were pain, suffering and doubts.

Bumawi siya sa mga efforts niya sa akin. Pero bakit parang may kulang? Ako ba yung mali? Paano? Ang iniisip ko talaga kay jay is he loved his ex more than me. Or I think of him in that way because yun ang ginagawa ko sa kanya ngayon? Di ko maipagkakaila na hanggang ngayon ay mahal ko parin si Maki…

LOL even the movie “Crazy, beautiful you” reminded me of him.. Baby boy? Lol. It hurts really to know that I can’t be with someone I love. Noong panahon na kasama ko si Maki, all I feel was total utter happiness. Intense happiness. He made me into a better person. Even though he hurt me by denying his love for me, for a reason that WE CAN’T BE TOGETHER because we’re related, blood related. Sakit haha.

The little things he do for me shows his love for me. The songs he sings for me. The songs he dedicates for me, the chemistry we had. The times we go to the gym together, the times we ate outside. For 2 years I have been the happiest person alive, I didn’t know the dark side of love, until Jay came into my life.

Maki was my dream and Jay is my reality.

Everytime na kausap ko si Maki, I guard myself because I know that with all of his confessions (shocking ones) all of the things he says over the phone, i know that I will fall for him all over again. The hard work of forgetting him will put to waste, my pain I’ve gone through with Jay will be meaningless, the relationship I have with Jay will be useless.

Even though I finally heard the one thing I want to hear thee most… he loves me… I ignored it, for my sake and Jay’s sake. Our sake.

Maybe just maybe, if I was weak and not guarded, I might have gave in.

Ah my heart I just want to throw it really. I just want to end my life because I am having a hard time with myself, with love, with my family. I am so damaged.

I love Jay, yes I do.. but not as much as I loved you.

It’s been a year and I’m still stuck here, is it my fault? I think, NO.

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R:nakarelate ka ???

J:Hahahha oo naman..

J:ikaw hindi?

R:hnd eh .. d ako ganyan eh .. ikaw ung ganyan eh ..

J;ayaw mo?

R:super bet

So okay. Will you blame me for not fucking forgetting this?! To your ex (who’s btw cheated in your relationship for 3 times) you were this way?! And to me who loves you faithfully even though there was a time when I was weak and my weakness kicked in, and made me flirt with someone because I need to relive the pain YOU caused me and even though I was awar it will hurt you, di mo ba alam na mas masakit sakin yun kasi desperado ako na mawala yung tanginang sakit na dinulot mo!!!!!!?!!!!!!!

YOU let me suffer to how you treat me?!!  YES I DID STALK YOUR EX’S PROFILE AND YES SOME POSTS HURT ME AND THEN YOU ARE THE ONE WHO’S STILL MAD AT ME?! FOR WHAT?! GETTING HURT FROM THE THINGS I FOUND?! OH FUCK MY LIFE. AT THE TIME WHEN I TOLD YOU “I WISH I WAS HER” IT DIDN’T MEAN THAT I WANT TO BE LIKE HER HELL FUCK NO. I just wish you would treat me the way you treat her OR EVEN FUCKING BETTER!!!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL YOUR BULLSHIT JUST TO LEARN HUH?! TAPOS NOONG MGA PANAHONG SINABIHAN KITA AYOKO SA LAHAT YUNG SINUNGALING AND SHIT AND I LET MYSELF BE VULNERABLE FOR YOU, ANO GINAWA MO?! YOU LIED! YOU MADE ME LOOK STUPID!!! YOU FUCKING LIED!!!! DAHIL SA BWISIT NA MANBOX NA YAN?!!!! HUH!!!!! AY POTA. NAGLAYAS NA AKO LAHAT SA PAMAMAHAY NAMIN KASI WALA NA AKO MAPUNTAHAN I WAS SO FUCKING DOWN NAKITA MO YUN PERO ANO?!! OO DI MO AKO PINABAYAAN PERO NOONG UMMIIYAK AKO ABA’Y IKAW PA ANG GALIT?!! PUTANG INA MO GAGO. TINATARANTADO MO PALA AKO EH. SA RELATIONSHIP NATIN ILANG BESES MO AKO GINAGAWANG TANGA PUTA!

Paano ako makakalet go sa thought na iba ka sakin, eh kapag nagaaway tayo you’re treating me like trash, na di mo ako girlfriend na parang di mo ako mahal?!!! Kailangan ko pa maglupasay at magiiiyak para lang mapatawad mo ko?! Tangina. Ako yung nagpapakatanga ngayon sa relasyon natin. Tangina talaga. Sasabihin mo wala ako noong panahon na naging kayo, at di ko alam mga pinagsasasabi ko. Pero di ako ttanga dahil napaka klaro sa mgga msgs niyo, posts niya at posts mo na pinabura ko sa mga pictures niyo na ibang iba sa kinkwento mo at sa mga pinangaalibi mo. KASALANAN KO BA NA GANITO REACTION KO EH PURO PANGDEDENY GINAGAWA MO?!! ONE YEAR GANITO AKO, ABA GINUSTO KO BA TO?! PUTA HIRAP NA HIRAP NA AKO IPILIT SAYO NA WAG MO KO ITRATO NG TINATRATO MO SAKIN KPAG NAGAAWAY TAYO O DI OKAY?! ISANG TAON KO TINIIS YANG PANGAABUSO MO SA AKIN?! OO NASUNTOK KITA NASAMPAL KITA SORRY TALAGA AS IN SORRY, BUT I BELIEVE THAT WASN’T THE REAL ME WHO DID THAT, IT WAS THE ME YOU MADE, IT WAS THE DEMON YOU MADE THAT HURT YOU PHYSICALLY, IT WAS THE DAMAGED PART OF ME THAT DID THAT BECAUSE OF THE HURT YOU CAUSED ME.

OO SIGE GIVEN NA YOU ARE DOING EFFORT SA AKIN YOU ARE SPOILING ME AND YES I THANK YOU AND APPRCIATE YOU FOR THAT PINAPARAMDAM KO NAMAN SAYO YUN DIBA?! PERO PAGDATING SA AWAY NATIN ABA’Y GRABE HA. PAG AKO NAGKAKAMALI KUNG MAKAREACT KALA MO NANLOKO AKO EH NO. GAWIN KO NALANG KAYA YUN?! PUNONG PUNONG PUNO NA AKO SOBRA. LIKE YOU’RE REASONING FOR ME TO HOLD ON THIS LONG, BECAUUSE I AM HOPING FOR YOU TO CHANGE. PERO TANGINA PAHIRAPAN NAKAKAGAGO NA EH. Pinaglaban na’t lahat sa pamilya ano parin trato KAPAG NAGAAWAY, KONTRABIDA!!!! OHAA HAHAHAHAHA Mas gusto pa mmakipag away at saktan ako at umiyak ako kesa na ikaw nalang mauna na makapagkumbaba. KAPAG AKO ANG MAY KASALANAN TODO EFFORT SAYO NA PATAWARIN MO AKO, EH IKAW PAG NAGKAKASALANAN ANO GINAGAWA MO? SORRY LANG OK NA SA AKIN DIBA?!!! HAHAHAHAHA =))))

AYYYY AKO RIN GUSTO KO NA TIGILAN YUNG EX MO PROMISE MATAGAL NA NOONG ISANG TAON PA. EH KUNG DI KA PURO DENY DIBA AT KUNG DI KA LANG NAGSINUNGALING SAKIN AT HINDI MO AKO GINAGAWANG TANGA ABA’Y WALA NA TALAGA YUNG AYAW MO!!! AKALA MO BA GUSTO KO TO?! HA?!!!  NAKAKAINIS NA SOBRA! AKO NALANG NAGSABI SAYO NA “I REGRET MEETING YOU” DAHIL SAYO NAGKANDA LECHE LECHE RELASYON KO SA PAMILYA KO, OO GANUN NA KAMI DATI PERO DI GANITO KATINDI!!! DAHIL SAYO NATUTO AKO MAGSINUNGALING!!! DAHIL SAYO I AM SUCH A FUCKING HATER! DAHIL SAYO I HAVE TO LEARN THE HARD WAY, I HAVE TO EXPERIENCE THAT FUCKING HARSH LOVE THAT I DONT FUCKING DESERVE, MY FRAGILE DAMAGED SELF DONT DESERVE! BUT YOU DID THAT TO ME! IKAW!

YES I POSTED THIS ON MY BLOG KASI ALAM KO NA WALA KA NANG PAKIALAM SAKIN. YOU DONT EVEN GIVE A DAMN SA MGA POSTS KO. AND I NEEDED SOME KIND OF OUTLET TO LET ALL MY ANGER TOWARDS YOU OUT. PARA MASABI NA DI AKO NAGKIKIMKIM. EH KAPAG NAGOOPEN UP NGA AKO SAYO, SASABIHIN MO NANAMAN DISKUSYUNAN O PAGAAWAYAN. PANO AYAW MO LANG MGA NARIRINIG MO. DI KA KASI NAKIKINIG! DI MO KO INIINTINDI!!! PERO SA EX MONG TARANTADO GANYAN KA!?!?!!!! YUN ANG PAGMAMAHAL! YOU ARE WITH ME FOR YOUR SECURITY.

Not because you love me, you make me feel that way.

I’m tired so I’m letting you go.

“One of the most courageous decisions you will ever make is to finally let go of whatever is hurting your heart and soul.” —Brigitte Nicole

Loving you kills me.

I’m tired rebuilding my trust over and over again.

I’m tired of using only my heart when it comes to you.

I think I have to stop.

This is the final chapter of our story.

It will end soon.

I’m done putting up with your shit.

I’m done fighting for you.

I’m done with all the screams and arguments

I’m done of proving you I changed when you yourself didn’t.

I’m done for hoping for the better.

I’m done of waiting for all of your false promises.

I’m done believing that you will change for me.

I’m done with all your lies about your past, when you know it matters to me.

I’m done.

“Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.” —Emery Allen

An esoteric love affair.

Electronic Dance Music. EDM EDM EDM.

Right now I am really addicted listening to EDM. It makes me happy, elated and energetic. Everytime I put on my earphones, the volume is up high. Everytime the beat drops my heart stops and everything in me starts pumping. Basically, it’s just a rhythmic melody with bass thumping ear shattering beat. Songs like this makes me want to dance and scream the shit out of me. Though sometimes the lyrics is nonsense, the music still speaks to my soul. Some songs though have great lyrics, unlike any other songs it’s somehow repetitive. Maybe even for someone who’s on grade school can memorize the whole song in one play.

It’s like how I feel for you. You are someone who makes me elated and ecstatic. Everytime I’m with you as if everything seems like a beat thumping heart stopping moment. I don’t know if you are aware of this though. I am really just regulating my happiness when I’m around you. I am just matching your energy even though my soul wants to get out and devour every piece of goodness in you. Everytime I’m with you I keep falling into an abyss of momentary out of body experience. Sometimes I just wish I have control over time so that I could pause at the moments when we feel most like ourselves. Sometimes I want to rewind the moments when we feel love the most. I want to forward to the future when we’re living under the same roof. I really wonder if you would read this. I won’t say a thing. I will just wait for the right time when you get to read this post. I know that you are scared and petrified of my words. Sorry for all the hurtful and painful words I elicited. It’s just fear talking. It’s just my demon screaming all of my frustrations and expectations from you. It is really unfair though. You know me so well, but I am still getting to know you. That is why my curiosity is at THAT level. Because I am too frustrated of getting to know what makes you weak, what makes you strong, what makes you tick, and especially what makes you happy. I am too impatient, you know that. But all of this is because I love you. I love you to the very deep, hidden, broken and most vulnerable part of my soul. Even from the start I already handed you the power to destroy me or to build me. You have ME.

What I ask of you in our relationship though is the only thing that everyone I love fail to give me. It’s transparency. I know that you already told me that you are ALWAYS telling me the truth. But sometimes, I have ways of finding out the truth. And trust me it’s not the stalking. It’s just somehow my curse. That is why I have second thoughts to the things everyone tell me. It’s not doubt, it’s just assurance. Assurance that you are truthful to me, as I am to you. You know that I am even like this with myself right? So please don’t get mad at me. Don’t be furious if I am like this with you. My only wish though is you would tell me the honest truth, always. Even it will hurt me, even it will kill me, even it will break me into pieces. Because it’s a million times hurtful if I get to know the truth not from you. I am really fixing this trust issue of mine, and I know you’re there to help me and guide me. 

Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for showering me with gifts and sweet nothings. You just don’t know how happy I am right now. I wish you are happy with me too. Despite with all the hurts and misunderstandings we have. I love you. I am sorry for forcing you to look back. I just want to know you that’s all. It’s somehow my belief that knowing a person’s heartaches is the only way of rewriting a new path of fixing someone broken. And don’t worry I know you don’t want to look back anymore and I won’t force you anymore. I will let you open up to me. I am sorry if I doubted you, it’s just really weird when I find things out very different from the things you tell me. I felt as if I was cheated and lied to. I felt as if I am someone who’s not worthy of knowing your pain, knowing the truth. But it’s okay. I understand.

Let’s welcome a new chapter of our love story. I feel that it will be full of happiness and love. This time the everything we know will mold us into better version of ourselves. Please please please help me stay strong in our relationship. Please help me grow with you. Please let me make more passionate love with you. Please help me see the real you. Please let me erase everything that hurt you. Please love me more. I love you. Forever and ever.

Dear you.

I can’t sleep. Im tired if crying. Right now I can’t put the right words together. If you read this, then probably you should know that I am still up even though I have my ojt tomorrow. All I do is cry. You told me you wont make me cry. Oh how I miss those days when your words are like chirping birds in a sunny clear blue sky. Why did it turned so sour? What happened to the promises what happened to us. I can no longer hold on if you are holding me with your palms, open. You are not holding me tight. What I feel right now is the worst in my life. I may be the reason of our quarrels but I never ignore you. Ignoring someone you love is like saying

go on, I can find another girl better than you

why are you making me feel this way when all I do is love you. You turned me into an obsessive monster clinging unto you. This isn’t me. I’m not a dream to you anymore but nightmare. I can’t let go. I can’t but the pain is suffocating me. You were once a stranger who made me fall madly inlove with you. But by the way you treat me everytime we have our misunderstandings, you’re turning me into a mad person. Love? I didn’t love is full of hurt and tears. I once dreamt that it is something that will give you a reason to live. But right now I want to disappear, to die. Is this the ugly side of love? Is this where we stand? God knows how much you mean to me, but why are you doing this to me? You told me you won’t let me slip away. You told me you’ll chase me. You told me you won’t ignore me. I’m tired of these empty promises of yours. Why is life torturing me? What did I ever do to people? Why am I always crying. I love you wholeheartedly but you’re treating me like someone who cheated on you who took advantage of you. It hurts. It’s a slow painful stab. Each second the wound gets deeper and I can feel it with every single particle of my body. I am crumbling down. You can live without me. You are already proving this right. Every single time. Is goodbye our only solution to the hurt and pain in our love? What I’m feeling like now is worse than dying, worse than anything else in the world. The pain is unbearable that I become more
numb. I love you.

Changes.

“You’re my whole damn sky”

Recycled words. Something that is not meant for me. It was meant for someone else you loved before.

Borrowed words, borrowed feelings.

I am nothing special.

I replaced your loneliness.

But not your happiness.

Maybe I am someone you can cover your wounds with, not someone who can heal it.

If I heal them then, you wouldn’t have broken your promises.

You wouldn’t be mad at me when I misunderstand you.

You wouldn’t hurt me then apologize and tell me again and again and again that you’re not going to do that again.

Zero expectations.

Zero doubts.

Zero hurt.

No more expectations.

I won’t care anymore.

 

3:20am

I can’t sleep.

My thoughts are too noisy.

Why are they still bugging me?

Please stop it. I’m happy right now, don’t ruin everything.

Should I trust my gut-feeling or the one I love?

digging up stuff won’t help. It would just make me suffer.

And right now i am suffering on my own.

All I have to do is write write write until everything is forgotten.

I don’t know what trust means anymore.

I am torned between falling apart and staying with you forever.

Why won’t you just tell me everything? 

Honestly.

Painfully.

Not like this

Finding out things

that kill me. 

What does it mean to love and to be loved?

Sometimes love can be complicated, but the person who loves you will make it simple.

I myself am in love. I myself is being loved by someone. Every single moment is total happiness. At this moment in time I am still at awe to what’s happening in my life. It’s too fast, I feel like I am being blown away by a hurricane which is pushing me too far. I am overwhelmed, still overwhelmed by everything. I am assured that I am safe to where I am right now. I am secured by the thought of a bright future ahead for me. My past made me into a mess of what I am right now, but my present changes me into someone better, someone who is capable of giving the best love I have to offer.

“You’re my whole damn sky”

Something I have to embed into my whole being. 5 words that I have to burn within my soul. The person who suddenly became my universe told me I am his sky. Sky, you can see countless stars and billions of heavenly bodies shining in the night. You can see the sun– sunrise till sunset. Heightened by the feeling of being alive with each moment of looking up above. Maybe this is why I am his own sky..

I am happy, very happy. He is my happiness and I am his.

But..

There’s a certain feeling in me that I can’t even put into words. Why am I having this subtle feeling of sadness, fear and pain to which I don’t know the reason for at the first place.  Maybe it’s the fear of having letting down all of his expectations? I don’t want to give him any heartaches and sadness anymore, but I feel that I keep giving those to him. Maybe I am scared that one day, all of a sudden, everything that we have will be lost. I don’t want that to happen. I keep telling myself that he wouldn’t give up on me no matter what, and I shouldn’t get scared, because he won’t ever leave me. he’s my forever. I want to cry. I want to cry with happiness, because I already have the love that I’ve been waiting for my whole life.. But I want to weep, because of all the fears that I sometimes think about, of all the possibilities of how we may end up.

Uncertain, that’s it. I’m feeling uncertain.

Uncertain if our future will hold us together until the end of time. If countless lifetimes will ever bind us until forever isn’t enough to be with him.

Universe, God and you.. Please help me remove all of my fears and feeling of uncertainty.

I am my own enemy, should I fight back?